One Week to Go

Bubs will be delivered via c-section next Tuesday! I’ll be almost 38 weeks by then (37 weeks, 5 days). We decided not to wait longer because I’ve been having lots of contractions the past couple of weeks. They are Braxton Hicks, but they have been out of control a few times (like 13 an hour!), and because of my myomectomy it isn’t safe for me to go into actual labor. I knew from the beginning that I would have to have a c-section, but I’m still a little bummed. I don’t love the idea of Bubs getting yanked out of the womb with no warning. I keep telling him what’s happening, in the hopes that he’ll somehow understand.

So, it’s been forever since I’ve posted. Aside from the contractions, the third trimester has been fairly predictable. Acid reflux is my main symptom. I’ve also had trouble sleeping. I wake up to pee several times a night, and often I wake up with reflux and have to sit up for a while.

I still can’t believe this is happening. I still can’t believe he’s almost here. I still can’t believe how ridiculously lucky we are, and I’m terrified that it’s all going to be taken away. Anyone else constantly barraged by irrational fears? And rational fears? I’m amazed at how little my anxiety has changed from the IVF process to the pregnancy. I used to think that at some point I’d feel I’d “made it”–not so. Infertility and pregnancy loss has only served as a reminder for how fragile life is. I suppose, in a way, that’s a gift. I may always be afraid of losing my son, but I’ll also always be aware of how lucky I am to have him.  I just hope I can parent more often from a place of joy than from a place of worry. Guess we’ll find out soon…


4 thoughts on “One Week to Go

  1. I’m totally right there with you! I’m 40 weeks and 5 days and the infertile in me still worries and doesn’t quite believe that I will have a baby in my arms soon. I just said that to hubby last night.

  2. Beautifully put. I’m 33+6, and our scheduled caesarean is in just over 3 weeks. My anxiety over losing the baby in utero has been replaced by fears of losing her during the birth, after birth, SIDS, freak accident… You name it, I’ve had anti-fantasies about it. Miscarriage and infertility has definitely taught me just how precious and fragile life is. These thoughts remind me that taking things one day at a time doesn’t end with the birth of a healthy baby… that it is, in fact, perhaps the only way to live, steeped in gratitude for having our little ones.

    May you have a beautiful caesarean birth, with a swift recovery!

    • Oh god, SIDS. I am right there with you. I’m so freaked about it I’m making my husband put the crib in our bedroom, because I don’t trust a bassinet.

      The good news is that there is so much joy between the waves of fear and panic. I’m going to try and embrace them when they come, and sit patiently when they go.

      I’m so happy for you lady! Home stretch! Swift recovery to you as well! xoxo

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