I’m hooked up to the milking machine and hubs is in the other room holding the boy, so now seems about as good a time for an update as any.
Here’s the update: this shit is hard.
Let me back up a little. R stayed in the NICU the whole time we were in the hospital. This basically made breastfeeding impossible, and so I’ve unwillingly become an exclusive pumper, which is its own special kind of hell. I’m only pumping 7 times a day, and still it seems impossible to pump, change and feed and burp my son, clean the bottles and supplies, while leaving time to feed and clean myself. Case in point: my husband was supposed to go back to work today, but I called him at noon in tears because for the brief hour break I tried to schedule R wouldn’t sleep.
I have no idea how much of this is sleep deprivation, how much of it postpartum depression. I started crying uncontrollably about 9 days after R was born. Just when I feel like it’s getting better, it happens again.
It’s been three weeks, and it doesn’t feel like it’s getting any easier. I keep thinking there is something wrong with me. Why can’t I handle this? We’ve hired some postpartum doulas to help, and they make me feel like shit. I hate watching them feed my son while I sit strapped to this goddamn pump. I think I am leaning toward formula, at this point.
And I haven’t even mentioned recovering from the c-section! It actually hasn’t been too bad, but I’m definitely still sore and my back is killing me from my lack of core muscles.
I feel like a dick complaining. I’ve wanted this for so long, and there are so many people I know who are still waiting. But I can’t help it. I’m really, really struggling.