Fear and Loathing in Chicago

It’s a miracle I don’t have whiplash. One minute I am, for the first time in this pregnancy, feeling like I can breathe. I have two little heartbeats inside me. All is well.

And then BAM–cramps, blood, and I’m  back to the constant stream of worry and what ifs: what if I lose one? What if I lose both?? What if these aren’t my take-home babies??? What if I have to go through all of this again????

You guys, I can’t believe I have to wait until Monday for my next ultrasound. Seriously, why don’t we get one everyday?

Thankfully the spotting seems to have stopped. I’m still a little crampy, though. I’m basically on bed rest until Monday, so there aren’t a lot of opportunities to distract myself. Guess I will be hitting up Netflix to try and find a show (preferably comedy) that I haven’t already seen. Or at least one I don’t mind watching again. And I’ll be listening to my guided meditation on a constant loop.

Man I hate this. I hate everything about this.

Those of you who pray, say a few syllables for the hubs and I and our blueberries. It’s going to be a long weekend.

Cue Freakout

On Monday I got the okay from my doc to start exercising again. Today I rode the stationary bike for 20 minutes and did a few core exercises. Afterward I had some sharp cramps. I emailed my doc and he said to stop exercising for the next two weeks.

Then cramping started again this evening, though milder, along with spotting. The nurse told me just to monitor, and to call back if it gets heavier or turns bright red (it’s very light pink right now), or if the cramping becomes “uncontrollable”.

I am TERRIFIED. I know cramping and spotting are normal during the first trimester, and if I hadn’t exercised today I probably wouldn’t be this nervous. But I am so scared that something bad has happened. That I have caused something bad to happen. Anyone had a similar experience?

Hello, Hello

I’ll admit, I’m nervous about posting here. I am really blogging about pregnancy?? It seems impossible, and therefore jinx-able. But during this in-between time I’m not sure where I fit in. As an IFer, I hated reading about other people’s successes (even when I was happy for them). So to me the only option was a new blog. So here I am.

Today was our first ultrasound.  I was so nervous I thought I was going to throw up.  I am 6 weeks, 4 days, haven’t had a beta in two weeks, and I was desperate to find out what was going on in there. I was terrified that they would only see an empty sac. I prayed like crazy: please, please let there be a heartbeat.

There were two.

Our doc cautioned us not to panic/celebrate. It’s still very early, and one of the babies is smaller than the other. She said at this stage there is a 50% chance that both will make it. Still, I can’t help celebrating. Seeing those pulses on the screen took my breath away. I have confidence in these babies. I am choosing to believe. I will have another ultrasound next Monday to see if they are growing on pace.

In other news, the early stages of pregnancy are a lot like IBS. I’m lightheaded, slightly nauseous, and a little constipated. I had a few days where I was so tired I couldn’t function, but overall I am feeling a lot better than I thought I would. I guess we will see what the next week brings.