It feels like it has been forever since I’ve posted. I’m now 22 weeks, and I’ve had some good stretches. Overall I have felt better in the second trimester: more energy, less nausea; I’ve even had increased libido, which has been super fun. But I’ve also had a couple of brain boiling headaches (having one today), and the past week I’ve had more gas than I’ve ever had before, which, considering that I have IBS and gastroparesis, is saying a lot.
What I really want to talk about here is anxiety. I’ve had days, even weeks, when I felt calm and assured. I am, on a deep level, positive that this is my son, that this has always been my son, and that I will hold him safely in my arms this fall. And yet there are times when a crushing wave of fear breaks over me: what if I am wrong?
People keep telling me that this is normal. That every pregnant woman feels this way. And I think to some degree they do. But I also believe that those of us who have been through infertility, who have experienced multiple failed cycles and multiple pregnancy losses, have a harder time embracing the hope and joy on this part of the journey. It’s a real struggle to believe that success is possible.
While my husband and I were public with friends and family about the fact that we were doing IVF, and while we shared each step of that process, including sharing the news of pregnancies right away, we have been much more private about this pregnancy. I’m not posting weekly bump pictures on Facebook. I’m not sharing ultrasound photos. We did share the gender, but not until two months after we found out.
I’m struggling with buying things for the nursery. Last weekend we bought a minivan (we have a big dog), and I about hyperventilated. Is it too soon for this? I am somehow convinced that we will jinx this if we go all out. I’m terrified that we will end up with a big empty house, a big empty car, and a big empty nursery.
I thought that feeling fetal movement would alleviate some of this fear. Turns out it only adds to it! I’m not feeling movements regularly yet, which is terrifying. Yesterday he was bebopin’ and scattin’ all over the place. Today, not so much.
I don’t really know where I’m going with this post. I guess I just wanted to let everyone know that I am still here and that I’m just trying to experience all the highs and lows and twists and turns of the ride.